By Wendy Haynes Connor
When I find myself contending with some of the shadowy things that come up in my inner life with Baba, one of the most nagging and murky themes involves trust. At times, it’s hard for me to completely trust what I know in my heart to be true: that Baba accepts me, all of me unconditionally, including my imperfections. Not surprisingly, when I truly do as Baba asks and wholeheartedly give Him my imperfections then I find I have no reason to worry.
But for me this is a tall order. It means not being troubled by negative feelings, especially recurring feelings of disappointment in myself. Even worse is feeling that I’ve let Baba down and that He might be disappointed in me. Then comes the harassing awareness of how many chances I’ve let slip by and how I still don’t completely place my trust in Baba. Oh God, the mind. This is, I realize, my lower self, finding more ammunition to keep me all bound up in Maya. But still, I know there’s something real and useful about it all. It becomes the substance of surrender.
These well known inner acquaintances of mine include: feeling badly about myself as I struggle to feel love for someone who I find difficult to love; being overly critical with myself as I try not to be overly critical of others; the occasionally upending feelings of either superiority and inferiority; and the insufferable feelings of inertia and bad habits. My mind knows that Baba forgives all imperfections but when I feel overwhelmed by my own weaknesses my heart needs to be reminded. And the reminder of His Love can, if I let it, lead me to surrender it all to Him.
I’ve mentioned before how over the years Kitty received letters from people all over the world. And, she made sure, that somehow everyone received a reply. I want to include here excerpts from a letter Kitty wrote to a friend that touches on this subject of imperfections and holds particular significance for me:
“You are being so hard on yourself. Baba is so much more gentle with us than we are to ourselves – and if we really loved Baba as He wants us to love Him it would mean, do your best and then hand the problem to Baba and in His own way and own time He will dissolve it.
“At the same time you must trust your feelings and don’t try to say they don’t exist. Repressing our feelings does not help. Speak openly with Baba at all times remembering He is your one Real Friend who will never let you down and never mislead you. Don’t worry about perfection – that means you are putting a goal in front of you and Love is purposeless. Try to live in the present. Only the Now has importance. Be yourself, but with discipline and control over the weaker aspects of your nature. Baba uses both your strong and your weak points. You may have to live with both throughout your span of life in this form but don’t be their slave and don’t wear them on your sleeve, so to speak.
So dear, it comes down to a true 100% surrender to Baba who is your guide and who knows all.”
I have a helpful and lovely memory of something Eruch once said to me: ”Don’t reject the package at your front door – it has your name on it and it is from your Beloved.” When I ponder that, I imagine Beloved Baba lovingly and carefully putting together a package especially for me. When I open it, I find my weaknesses and strengths there – all wrapped in His Love. Enclosed is a note that says, “Wendy, give me your imperfections and your strengths. I am your one true Friend and I will never let you down.”